Every time I think I have my life figured out something comes and bites me in the rear and says "NOT!" Have you ever thought you were the wronged person in life and it turned out that you are the "wronger"? My father always called me the more passive and easy going of his 3 kids. Frankly, I thought he was right. After all, he was perfect (not quite) but I thought being of the next generation I was. I've endured a lot in my short life (OK if anyone I know actually reads this they'll never trust me again-I'm 60), depression, ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease) resulting in dialysis and transplant, sexual abuse (not from family), death of parents in the same year, etc. I actually succeeded from my family and hurt family members soooo bad they still won't speak to me. That was a year ago and I just can't seem to right things. It was my fault at least 99.9% and I found out that the words "I love you" and "I'm so sorry" really don't carry a lot of weight when the depth of the hurt I caused runs so deep. I finally have forgiven myself, the first step and hopefully someday we can become family again, not the same but hopefully better. I have learned to rely on the Lord for healing and for guidance of my wicked tongue so I know there will come resolution I'm just not sure what type. I have found that forgiving is relatively easy but the forgetting is impossible. By launching the attack I had to endure the attacks and let me tell you, that was rough! A few points were very wrong but some, well they were right on. I thankfully have a niece who gave me the final healing words and to her I will be forever grateful. Let me say at this point my daughter and husband reassured me many, many times that one point of attack was wrong also but it took my niece Katie to utter the words I needed to hear for complete healing. God put the stamp of approval on me and sent me off to hopefully recover my shattered siblings. People let me tell you, shut your mouth and keep words to yourself after experiencing deaths 3 months apart. That was NOT an excuse but it was a happening that I feel had to be. You are shattered, absolutely shattered after the death of both parents in so short a period and my depression took me sooo deep I couldn't climb without this happening. All this resulted in my seeking help with a therapist and the Lord. Anyway, I have learned to ignore as much as possible any hurt dealt during a crisis like that but my learning came at a high price.
Until Next Time
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