Augh! Why Depression???

I remember waking up from surgery and wondering where I was. It certainly wasn't my room and why couldn't I move my arms? A nurse came up to my bedside and explained to me that I was in ICU and that I kept trying to pull my ventilator tube as well as my IV tubes out. OK, I understood what she was saying but why was no sound coming out of my mouth? Did you all know you can't speak with a vent tube in place but the questions kept coming and answers as well. Apparently they flooded my lungs trying to start the kidney. Things were fine at the moment but my lungs were very damp. If I behaved myself she would release my hands and take those really hot mittens off. When morning came the tube was removed and I languished like a queen in the ICU. I was moved to my room later that day. Physically, I did great for an old lady of 55 but spent a lot of time crying and feeling sorry for myself. Now why depression? I had a new chance for a great life. No more dialysis, no more watching my diet (I wasn't great at that I confess) and no more scheduling my life around dialysis. I was crying for my donor. I felt guilty that he died so that I could live. I was benefiting from the death of a young man who had a child and a family that loved him as I did mine. I knew that God hadn't traded his life for mine but it was an intense guilt that I was feeling. Even 6 years later he doesn't leave my thoughts. This kidney is different from my native kidney. The old ones worked overtime and this one urinates only a few times a day. Do you believe in organ memory? I do and found that a few things I loved I no longer liked and things I hadn't liked I suddenly did. I know that the choice to live or die belonged to the young man and time has taken away most of the guilt but I don't believe it ever will completely. I speak to other recipients that have also felt this way during a time that should be only overwhelming joy. I promised the young man's mother that I would work hard to keep this piece of her son alive. That is the only way I feel that I can begin to repay him for this gift. Fortunately he had signed his organ donor area on his license. I stress the importance of that each time I speak to someone about organ transplantation. Such a wonderful thing to do and it only takes a minute. God receives us without our kidneys, heart, pancreas, skin. Do you realize how many lives that can be saved with organ donation? The number of people waiting for organs is staggering and rises everyday. So many wonderful people die and if I could, I wouldn't hesitate to donate. My medications make me unable to donate but I certainly intend to see if a donation of any kind would be possible.

Until next time
Linda