This is the second Father's Day I've celebrated without my dad. It's been a sad day but also a day of happy memories. My dad was 87 when he died and I can honestly say he was happy that night. My cousin from Florida, whom he hadn't seen in probably 35 years or so arrived earlier that evening and I, my daughter and granddaughter had arrived in town to pick her up at the airport. His family was all in St. Louis that night, everything was aligned right for his departure. He had a heart attack many years ago and due to his age we knew it was a matter of time but he picked the time himself and went peacefully in his sleep. His face was serene and suffered no pain. His heart simply didn't make the next beat. I often wonder what he was dreaming of but that will not be answered until we join up in heaven. He came for mom exactly 3 months later arriving in a sunbeam. I knew he couldn't be without her long and wanted to lead the way there. They were married 65 years and were never apart. He liked to do things on his own terms and did until he died. I knew he wouldn't leave mom to suffer and it only took 2 days for him to come get her after she gave up. A beam of light would be a perfect vehicle for him and he did it with a flourish.
Happy Father's Day dad! We all miss you
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Augh! Why Depression???
I remember waking up from surgery and wondering where I was. It certainly wasn't my room and why couldn't I move my arms? A nurse came up to my bedside and explained to me that I was in ICU and that I kept trying to pull my ventilator tube as well as my IV tubes out. OK, I understood what she was saying but why was no sound coming out of my mouth? Did you all know you can't speak with a vent tube in place but the questions kept coming and answers as well. Apparently they flooded my lungs trying to start the kidney. Things were fine at the moment but my lungs were very damp. If I behaved myself she would release my hands and take those really hot mittens off. When morning came the tube was removed and I languished like a queen in the ICU. I was moved to my room later that day. Physically, I did great for an old lady of 55 but spent a lot of time crying and feeling sorry for myself. Now why depression? I had a new chance for a great life. No more dialysis, no more watching my diet (I wasn't great at that I confess) and no more scheduling my life around dialysis. I was crying for my donor. I felt guilty that he died so that I could live. I was benefiting from the death of a young man who had a child and a family that loved him as I did mine. I knew that God hadn't traded his life for mine but it was an intense guilt that I was feeling. Even 6 years later he doesn't leave my thoughts. This kidney is different from my native kidney. The old ones worked overtime and this one urinates only a few times a day. Do you believe in organ memory? I do and found that a few things I loved I no longer liked and things I hadn't liked I suddenly did. I know that the choice to live or die belonged to the young man and time has taken away most of the guilt but I don't believe it ever will completely. I speak to other recipients that have also felt this way during a time that should be only overwhelming joy. I promised the young man's mother that I would work hard to keep this piece of her son alive. That is the only way I feel that I can begin to repay him for this gift. Fortunately he had signed his organ donor area on his license. I stress the importance of that each time I speak to someone about organ transplantation. Such a wonderful thing to do and it only takes a minute. God receives us without our kidneys, heart, pancreas, skin. Do you realize how many lives that can be saved with organ donation? The number of people waiting for organs is staggering and rises everyday. So many wonderful people die and if I could, I wouldn't hesitate to donate. My medications make me unable to donate but I certainly intend to see if a donation of any kind would be possible.
Until next time
Linda
Friday, June 10, 2011
So You Think Life Is Easy--NOT!
Every time I think I have my life figured out something comes and bites me in the rear and says "NOT!" Have you ever thought you were the wronged person in life and it turned out that you are the "wronger"? My father always called me the more passive and easy going of his 3 kids. Frankly, I thought he was right. After all, he was perfect (not quite) but I thought being of the next generation I was. I've endured a lot in my short life (OK if anyone I know actually reads this they'll never trust me again-I'm 60), depression, ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease) resulting in dialysis and transplant, sexual abuse (not from family), death of parents in the same year, etc. I actually succeeded from my family and hurt family members soooo bad they still won't speak to me. That was a year ago and I just can't seem to right things. It was my fault at least 99.9% and I found out that the words "I love you" and "I'm so sorry" really don't carry a lot of weight when the depth of the hurt I caused runs so deep. I finally have forgiven myself, the first step and hopefully someday we can become family again, not the same but hopefully better. I have learned to rely on the Lord for healing and for guidance of my wicked tongue so I know there will come resolution I'm just not sure what type. I have found that forgiving is relatively easy but the forgetting is impossible. By launching the attack I had to endure the attacks and let me tell you, that was rough! A few points were very wrong but some, well they were right on. I thankfully have a niece who gave me the final healing words and to her I will be forever grateful. Let me say at this point my daughter and husband reassured me many, many times that one point of attack was wrong also but it took my niece Katie to utter the words I needed to hear for complete healing. God put the stamp of approval on me and sent me off to hopefully recover my shattered siblings. People let me tell you, shut your mouth and keep words to yourself after experiencing deaths 3 months apart. That was NOT an excuse but it was a happening that I feel had to be. You are shattered, absolutely shattered after the death of both parents in so short a period and my depression took me sooo deep I couldn't climb without this happening. All this resulted in my seeking help with a therapist and the Lord. Anyway, I have learned to ignore as much as possible any hurt dealt during a crisis like that but my learning came at a high price.
Until Next Time
Just Returning Your Call: Being a Mom
Just Returning Your Call: Being a Mom: "Sometimes it's really hard being a mom, more importantly Courtney's mom. She's a lot like me in that sometimes she speaks without thinking ..."
I Know Where To Go Now
It will be six years since my transplant on July 28, 2005. A lot has happened including the birth of two granddaughters, the acquisition of a son-in-law, quitting my job, new friends, the loss of friends, family problems but most importantly, understanding myself and realizing that God gave me the chance for a new life and it is time I took ownership of that gift and used it as ordained.
I love talking to people, sharing their life experiences and learning what they like to share about their families. Sharing experiences with people who have experienced life altering things such as ESRD, cancer, etc. is an honor. My experience is mostly with kidney patients. The fears that are experienced with the onset of dialysis and the many decisions that need to be made are mind boggling. The fear of not knowing what to expect can actually be debilitating. I have been trying to educate ESRD patients for six years and I hope I have impacted a life or two along the way. I experienced the fears, frustrations, and even with all the knowledge I have gained over the years, I am still learning.
My transplant was a truly miraculous thing and I can't begin to imagine how anyone can go through that without feeling the Hand of God. I was 55 at the time of the transplant and with God's help have made it through with no problems. Labs are always good and the kidney works well. I only wish I could share this miracle with the family of the donor. I have had contact with his mother but they wish to keep contact minimal. I can understand they're feelings and respect them. My miracle was their loss and that never leaves me. While the transplant has presented only minor issues it has been plagued with depression that at times has seemed insurmountable. The loss of my parents last year compounded by the depression led me to say things that never should have been said. The help of a wonderful therapist, words of wisdom from a niece and the grace of God have allowed me to forgive myself and brought forth a healing that can't be described. I only wish the family involved would experience the healing I have, both physically and mentally. All this really does bring me to a point.
Will I go back to work again? Probably not, this time by myself and my family has done wonders for me. I am admitting I have gotten away from educating ESRD patients and now vow to get back to that in any way I can. Hopefully I can again get in contact with kidney patients or those people that are feeling lost, frustrated, scared and have lost hope that they can experience a normal life once diagnosed with a life-altering disease. If anyone were to actually read this, please feel free to contact. A friend lives here
Until later,
Linda
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